Miscarriage #1

It was my first pregnancy.
I was 8 weeks along and started spotting.
I had done my reading and knew that sometimes women spotted early in pregnancy and that
it didn't necessarily mean you were miscarrying.
But I was scared to death.

Went into the doctor and they did an ultrasound.
I could see the little image on the screen that was my baby even though it looked more like a
lima bean.
What I didn't realize was that I should have been able to see a little blinking, beating heartbeat.
The nurse left the room.
In walks the doctor. I LOVED my doctor. Such a nice, nurturing man.
He talked to me like a father would to a daughter. (I was young and he was old enough to be my father)
He said that there was no heartbeat and that I was having a miscarriage.
He sympathized and held my hand and then he got technical and told me what was next.

The next few hours were a blur.
I was laying in a hospital bed...nurses were chattering...I was bleeding.
Then I was being rolled into
a cold, sterile room.
They put the air mask over my face and I felt a strong urgency to puke and then my eyes closed.

I woke up with the worst pain in my throat.
My husband took me home, put me to bed and I lay there while he left to get a prescription.
That's when the first 'after' pain hit me.
You get these pains after giving birth too. Of course I didn't know that then.
I just felt like someone had literally shoved a spear into my uterus.
The pain took my breath away and I remember slamming my hand against the wall above my head
and screaming out.
I said a prayer....and the pains lessened.

After that experience I felt what I assumed are all the normal feelings that a young woman would
feel in that situation..I wondered if something was wrong with me. Would I ever get pregnant again?
If I did...would it turn out better or was I destined for this outcome every time...if there was a next time....
Did I eat something wrong?
Should I have rested more?

I've since learned that these self defeating questions are useless. Normal but useless.
I have been blessed enough to give birth to 6 babies since that day...with one more miscarriage mixed into the middle.